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Obviously, You’re Not a Golfer

I suck at golf. Seriously. On my best days, I approached - but never broke - the score of 100. I once birdied a short par-4 at a crabgrass course in Maryland, but since I was alone, my only proof was a depressing photo of a dirty Titleist sitting at the bottom of a cup.... Continue Reading →

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House Destruction Party

There are fewer adolescent rites of passage more iconic than the house party. Generations of teens feel a compulsion to celebrate their newfound rebellion with these block-shaking ragers, perhaps in the hopes their names can be immortalized in the hallowed halls of suburban lore. Like most my age, I watched the “parents are gone, let’s... Continue Reading →

And I’ll See You at the Show

You’re miserable, and I’m useless It’s 10:30 on a Friday night. My t-shirt and jeans stick to my body, damp from a combination of rain and other people’s sweat. My ears are ringing, my feet hurt, and a guy with forearm tattoo of a t-rex wrapped in a taco keeps pushing into me on purpose.... Continue Reading →

Jump Around (or, House of Pain)

There were few things I envied more when I was a kid than families who owned a trampoline. Having a trampoline was a status symbol, the Birkin bag of the playground. There was nothing more exotic than going to a friend’s house and jumping on one, giggling and shrieking with joy for hours, forgetting for... Continue Reading →

Walk It Off

I impaled my right thumb with a power drill last week while screwing together a pair of 2x4s to make a firewood cradle. The bit slipped out of the screw head and entered my thumb, breaking the nail in half.  It was one of those injuries that look way scarier than they actually are; seeing... Continue Reading →

Barking Up the Wrong Tree

ADDENDUM: A day after publishing this story, I was contacted by a commander of the Fairfax County Police Department. The friendly commander, it seems, received a call from a concerned citizen regarding the alleged animal abuse mentioned in my story and was duty-bound to investigate.So, in the interest of quelling all concern, I'm happy to... Continue Reading →

I Bought a Boat on Craigslist Part III

Hillbilly Logic Where were we? Ah, right. The scene in which I explain an app-based payment service to a convicted felon whose property resembled the aftermath of a natural disaster. I have no idea what led me to believe Mike would understand Venmo. But Brandon, Labas, and I invested the last five hours bearing witness... Continue Reading →

A Shitty Story

This is part of my wife’s Valentine’s Day present. I’ve subjected her to my stories for the last five years, often making her drop whatever she’s doing to hear a new draft. She patiently relents, seeing how excited I am to share my new creation. When I get to a sentence I know contains a... Continue Reading →

I Bought a Boat on Craigslist Part II

Hillbilly Show & Tell Despite our first attempt at buying a boat on Craigslist not exactly going the way we anticipated (see Part I), my buddy Brandon and I decided to try our luck again. This time, the advertised 25-foot pontoon boat was a little further away, but sported a recently-rebuilt 90 horse Mercury motor... Continue Reading →

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