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Driving Darth Maul – Part VII

We make our way to the cafeteria on the second floor via elevator, which Nick uses as an opportunity to mess with unsuspecting museum patrons. As the elevator begins to lift us, Nick moves to the front of the car and places his face inches from the steel door. “Watch this,” he says. The door…… Continue Reading →

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The Endless Bummer – Part XIII

The beach was windy as fuck today. Not that calming sea breeze that wraps you in cool tendrils of beach relaxation, but a land breeze, the one that feels like an underwater hair dryer and brings with it every mosquito, green head, and mutant horsefly within a hundred miles. I drilled my beach umbrella extra…… Continue Reading →

The Endless Bummer – Part XII

It was my turn to visit the front desk, so at 9:30, I took the elevator down and informed yet another Hawaiian shirt-wearing attendant with facial piercings our room was approximately the temperature of the sun. Our good buddy Donald, the repair man I gave a can of beer to 36 hours earlier, knocked on…… Continue Reading →

The Endless Bummer – Part XI

We picked up the kids from their pizza party, hoping if we couldn’t enjoy our own vacation, at least we could revel in the enjoyment of our children. That’s a thing that happens when you have kids, I guess. It’s somewhat gratifying to see them having a good time, knowing they’re forging memories they’ll cherish…… Continue Reading →

The Endless Bummer – Part IX

We gathered our belongings and decamped the pool deck, but not without D almost getting leveled by a 200 lb, 14-year-old fish out of water. In the lobby, we were met with a line so long it belonged at an amusement park. Dozens of guests loaded down with beach chairs and umbrellas snaked from the…… Continue Reading →

The Endless Bummer – Part VIII

Day Three I rose with the sun on day three, one of those happy accidents that occur when you’re well-rested and don’t need the squawk of an alarm clock to get your day started. Melinda and the kids were still just beginning their journey to consciousness, so I took my cup of coffee to a…… Continue Reading →

The Endless Bummer – Part VII

On our way back to the room, I encountered our maid in the hallway. She asked in broken English if I wanted service today. “Yes please,” I said. “What service you want?” she asked. This was a puzzling question. I’ve stayed in hundreds of hotel rooms over the course of my life, but never has…… Continue Reading →

The Endless Bummer – Part V

DAY TWO Nothing attracts the best and brightest specimens humanity has to offer like a complimentary continental breakfast. It was here, in the room off the front lobby I recognized now as the place Dustin went to retrieve my plastic utensils, I first began to realize part of the reason people who could afford to…… Continue Reading →

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