Top 5: The Places You’ll Go!

I’ve never been much of a vacation guy. I know some people who spend their entire summers traveling, visiting the corners of the world with frequent flyer miles or road-tripping to US hot spots. It’s my understanding people enjoy doing this. Growing up, my parents’ idea of going on a summer vacation was blaring John... Continue Reading →

‘Til Death Part III

Author’s note: This is Part III of a three-part series. For any of this to make sense, it’s best to read Part I and Part II first, unless you’re my friend Scott, who read Part II first and then sent me a bunch of confused texts about how he didn’t remember midgets being there when... Continue Reading →

In Defense of the King

Tuesdays get a bad rap. They’re not as hyperbolically agonizing as Monday, don’t have the hope of Thursday or Friday, and don’t have the cute, camel-related allusions of Wednesday. I like Tuesdays because that’s the day new books come out. And this past Tuesday was more important than most because it was the day one... Continue Reading →

The Six Million Dollar Mouth

Twice a year, I leave work early and head north on the Capital Beltway for a trip into Maryland. It usually takes me about an hour to make the 28 mile drive and is inevitably replete with sections of turtle-like crawling followed by a hopeful 50mph sprint followed by a sea of sudden tail lights... Continue Reading →

Jump Around (or, House of Pain)

There were few things I envied more when I was a kid than families who owned a trampoline. Having a trampoline was a status symbol, the Birkin bag of the playground. There was nothing more exotic than going to a friend’s house and jumping on one, giggling and shrieking with joy for hours, forgetting for... Continue Reading →

Walk It Off

I impaled my right thumb with a power drill last week while screwing together a pair of 2x4s to make a firewood cradle. The bit slipped out of the screw head and entered my thumb, breaking the nail in half.  It was one of those injuries that look way scarier than they actually are; seeing... Continue Reading →

A Shitty Story

This is part of my wife’s Valentine’s Day present. I’ve subjected her to my stories for the last five years, often making her drop whatever she’s doing to hear a new draft. She patiently relents, seeing how excited I am to share my new creation. When I get to a sentence I know contains a... Continue Reading →

Toilet Seat Xmas

Somewhere around 1994, my dad got my mom a toilet seat for Christmas. To be fair, it was a good one, made of oak. A designer toilet seat, if you will. But for the Hedenberg family, that was the gift heard round the world. My father is generous and giving and always has been. Each... Continue Reading →

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