The Final Voyage of the S.S. Crapyapants

Everyone has a scarring family story. Mine involves my grandfather and his boat.

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My San Junipero – Part I

This year, a bar opened in my home town for the first time in its three-century history. This might not sound like a big deal, but when your town’s most exciting social venue is a tie between an antique shop and the Wawa parking lot, a new bar is like what Studio 54 must have…… Continue Reading →

I Was a Preteen Juggalo – Part II

I’m a little fuzzy on what JWO stood for. I’m pretty sure it stood for “Junior Wrestling Organization,” but it’s totally possible it stood for “Juggalo World Order,” which is what just came up when I Googled JWO. Either way, my duties following my induction into the JWO were clear:  I was now a member…… Continue Reading →

Top 5: Summer Soundtrack

Each year, I wrap up the school year and head into summer. But summer break for me doesn’t mean days lounging by the community pool or exotic vacations to beachside towns; it means work. Work on the house, work entertaining the kids, work at the brewery. How I long for those lazy days of unstructured…… Continue Reading →

In Defense of the King

Tuesdays get a bad rap. They’re not as hyperbolically agonizing as Monday, don’t have the hope of Thursday or Friday, and don’t have the cute, camel-related allusions of Wednesday. I like Tuesdays because that’s the day new books come out. And this past Tuesday was more important than most because it was the day one…… Continue Reading →

The Six Million Dollar Mouth

Twice a year, I leave work early and head north on the Capital Beltway for a trip into Maryland. It usually takes me about an hour to make the 28 mile drive and is inevitably replete with sections of turtle-like crawling followed by a hopeful 50mph sprint followed by a sea of sudden tail lights…… Continue Reading →

Stranger Danger

Tour is a weird place. You know how sometimes you go to the bar and have so much fun the night just kind of slips away from you? Suddenly it’s 2:45 and the Metro is closed and you somehow lost a shoe and need to vomit up your two helpings of Jumbo Slice? Tour’s pretty…… Continue Reading →

House Destruction Party

There are fewer adolescent rites of passage more iconic than the house party. Generations of teens feel a compulsion to celebrate their newfound rebellion with these block-shaking ragers, perhaps in the hopes their names can be immortalized in the hallowed halls of suburban lore. Like most my age, I watched the “parents are gone, let’s…… Continue Reading →

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