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Coming Soon: The Beltway Chronicles

I wrote this entire series while in traffic.

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Driving Darth Maul – Part V

After all this talk about costume accuracy, I’m confused about the guy at the table in the corner who wears a half-assed tunic and a pair of what is very clearly football shoulder pads. I’m not kidding – I can see where they say EASTON on the plastic. “Who’s that guy supposed to be?” I…… Continue Reading →

I Was a Preteen Juggalo – Part II

I’m a little fuzzy on what JWO stood for. I’m pretty sure it stood for “Junior Wrestling Organization,” but it’s totally possible it stood for “Juggalo World Order,” which is what just came up when I Googled JWO. Either way, my duties following my induction into the JWO were clear:  I was now a member…… Continue Reading →

The Endless Bummer – Part XIII

The beach was windy as fuck today. Not that calming sea breeze that wraps you in cool tendrils of beach relaxation, but a land breeze, the one that feels like an underwater hair dryer and brings with it every mosquito, green head, and mutant horsefly within a hundred miles. I drilled my beach umbrella extra…… Continue Reading →

The Endless Bummer – Part XII

It was my turn to visit the front desk, so at 9:30, I took the elevator down and informed yet another Hawaiian shirt-wearing attendant with facial piercings our room was approximately the temperature of the sun. Our good buddy Donald, the repair man I gave a can of beer to 36 hours earlier, knocked on…… Continue Reading →

The Endless Bummer – Part XI

We picked up the kids from their pizza party, hoping if we couldn’t enjoy our own vacation, at least we could revel in the enjoyment of our children. That’s a thing that happens when you have kids, I guess. It’s somewhat gratifying to see them having a good time, knowing they’re forging memories they’ll cherish…… Continue Reading →

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