Top 5: Do You Even Game, Bro?

There are few things more intoxicating to the American man than the siren song of the video game. Over the course of my lifetime, video games have morphed from a niche interest for nerds into a $43 billion industry. It’s no longer a hobby for basement-dwelling teens, but a potentially lucrative profession for basement-dwelling adults.... Continue Reading →

Top 5: The Places You’ll Go!

I’ve never been much of a vacation guy. I know some people who spend their entire summers traveling, visiting the corners of the world with frequent flyer miles or road-tripping to US hot spots. It’s my understanding people enjoy doing this. Growing up, my parents’ idea of going on a summer vacation was blaring John... Continue Reading →

Top 5: Well, That Was Awkward

Despite my sometimes crippling anxiety in public situations, I feel like I’m a pretty socially-adjusted human being. But interacting with other people doesn’t always go right for me. What follows are my Top 5 most awkward moments. 5 - Don’t Fence Me In I had a very suburban upbringing: cub scouts, little league, youth group... Continue Reading →

The Six Million Dollar Mouth

Twice a year, I leave work early and head north on the Capital Beltway for a trip into Maryland. It usually takes me about an hour to make the 28 mile drive and is inevitably replete with sections of turtle-like crawling followed by a hopeful 50mph sprint followed by a sea of sudden tail lights... Continue Reading →

House Destruction Party

There are fewer adolescent rites of passage more iconic than the house party. Generations of teens feel a compulsion to celebrate their newfound rebellion with these block-shaking ragers, perhaps in the hopes their names can be immortalized in the hallowed halls of suburban lore. Like most my age, I watched the “parents are gone, let’s... Continue Reading →

And I’ll See You at the Show

You’re miserable, and I’m useless It’s 10:30 on a Friday night. My t-shirt and jeans stick to my body, damp from a combination of rain and other people’s sweat. My ears are ringing, my feet hurt, and a guy with forearm tattoo of a t-rex wrapped in a taco keeps pushing into me on purpose.... Continue Reading →

Jump Around (or, House of Pain)

There were few things I envied more when I was a kid than families who owned a trampoline. Having a trampoline was a status symbol, the Birkin bag of the playground. There was nothing more exotic than going to a friend’s house and jumping on one, giggling and shrieking with joy for hours, forgetting for... Continue Reading →

Barking Up the Wrong Tree

ADDENDUM: A day after publishing this story, I was contacted by a commander of the Fairfax County Police Department. The friendly commander, it seems, received a call from a concerned citizen regarding the alleged animal abuse mentioned in my story and was duty-bound to investigate.So, in the interest of quelling all concern, I'm happy to... Continue Reading →

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